Saturday, March 31, 2012

Somedays I have trouble seeing the light

I tried to write yesterday, but it was to fresh.. my feelings and thoughts were quite jumbled..
So I am going to try today,, I guess I should explain why I feel this way??

Kate and Shawn.. birthday loves!!
Some days dealing with a child is hard.. and dealing with a child that has a disease that impacts their brain is at times so wonderful and other times so very stressful
I have two.. Katelyn and Shawn.. and I would not trade them for ANYTHING in the world. I, like any mother get overwhelmed, scared, angry, and sad-- I also Laugh more,give thanks for the little moments, and most of hold all my kids close to my heart.
So when I the bad days come, it seems to hurt more.. I am blessed to have all my children, Katelyn, Mikey, Landon, Shawn,and Gabe.. I would not change one thing about them.. They bring me great joy and love..
Days like yesterday hit me hard and it take a bit for me to find my feet again..
Yesterday Kate was upset with me.. and I can't say I blame her. I can understand her frustration with being 20 years old and having mom and dad living with her and having a boyfriend mom and dad don't approve of. It is stressful for her. I have tried to be honest with her and tell her where we are at and what we expect from her and her boyfriend if they are to be together. Sometimes she gets it other times I see her shut down and block out what we talk about.
I get mad at myself because I can't reach her.. I get mad because I don't know what part is her just being 20 years old and what part is JHD... I miss my daughter who came and talked to me about everything.. even the things i didn't want to know.. I have accepted that we lose her piece by piece.. What I struggle with is how she changes her mind and how we are always the bad people.. I don't know how to make it right with her.. and perhaps I can't.. If that is the case than I need to change my way of communicating with her and perhaps how we go about our daily lives..
I am not talking about her making a choice that we want.. I am talking about her stopping to look at the big picture.. I see that ability of her being torn down little by little... and it makes me sad...
When I try to explain why we do something or that we planning and why.. often times it won't sink in.. or she wont remember and than I am being to bossy with her.. Yes it is frustrating.. I am sure many JHD parents know..  But I still have guilt that We have to tell her everything and let her make her decisions..Yet she struggles with planning and following thur on plans on her own. She gets mad at me and than i feel like scum for the rest of the week..
Perhaps I just need to buck up and just do what is best for her? I know that I do, I just struggle with the guilt.
Landon & Gabe being silly
mommy and landon
Shawn is is the same.. The little boys and Gabe most of all cant understand that he cant throw a fit like Shawn and get away with it. It is hard for Landon and Gabe. Landon's heart is big and when he acts like a 7 year old I am shocked.. because he is usually so well behaved and loving. Gabe is a 4 year old who is trying to find his place.. he is such a mommy boy that at times i cant walk from one room to another with out him.. He is a loving little guy, but he picks up on Shawn's behaviors with out any problem.. the Good and the bad..
It is fine line to walk for all my kids. I feel many time I have let them down, I am trying and my love is unending, perhaps that's why it hurts so much when they are hurt or angry or just confused with me as their parent and their caregiver... I think I have have some growing to do also. I am far from perfect and always will be. I pray for them and ask that they may find God's love and that they may find peace and hope in HIM.

I don't mean to be whine or act like i have done nothing wrong in raising them. God know i have many epic fails.. in parenting and in life.. Some days it is hard to see any light and know that Life is Good.. (not perfect not wonderful, not horrible, or tragic, just good). Some days I see that light and hold fast to it knowing that it will get me thru the not so good times. But yesterday was a day that I lost the light, and I know it will come back, and God is with me, it is days like that that I have trouble seeing any light....

 I look at all my kids and see the people they are becoming I hope that in a small way they will look back and think of me and smile and say yep that was my mom and we knew she loved us.