Thursday, May 17, 2012

Respect and Hope..

Brendan MacFarlane - The Road

Aint nobody gonna tell me how to live my life and not know me
but I’ve always thought if I loved you'd show me the road
so they pushed me and shoved me
trying to break me down till I'm on my knees
but I've always thought if I loved you'd show me the road

so don’t cry for me no, no
don’t shed a tear on the day that I go
so don’t cry for me no, no
for I'll be there waiting
for you to show me the road

And those hard times come knocking
and you feel your whole world caving in
but always believe if you love
he'll set you free

so don’t cry for me no, no
don’t shed a tear on the day that I go
so don’t cry for me no, no
for I'll be there waiting
for you to show me the road

This song is says so much...
I pray today that God is with us as we go back to dr for Kate's baby today...
There is a song that say "i will Praise you in this storm. and though my heart is torn, i will praise you in the storm."
The storms of life.. all the good and bad...I look at all that is happening and I thank God.. and when i get lost or downtrodden I praise the Lord..
Mike and I have struggled with finding our way.. When you have a child that is ill, and that illness is terminal (like Kate)  or a disability (like Shawn) some days are harder.. Some days you pray for the evening to come so you can lay your head down and sleep... And when your child is an adult like Kate, find away to be a parent and still respect her, and understand what she needs, can be frustrating and at times insane.. We do not have a handbook that says at this point you will do this, and at this time you do this..Kate often has a hard time explaining  to us what she wants.. and it makes harder.. But i think the hardest part of all of this is how easily she changes her mind... it all depends on who she is with.. part of this is due to that fact she dose not want to deal with conflict. ( except with mom and dad) She know she can say what she needs to us and we will always love her and find a way to cope with it.. She knows that if our feelings are hurt we will still love her and support her. She knows that we have her back and that no matter what she does she is our daughter.
I know we are doing ok and she is doing very well.. but some days it seems I cant get anything right... and I feel that I often times think "ok that's settled and than BAM... it not. she changes her mind or something like that.. I hate this Disease... I hate it hate hate it ...
I hate that I never know what to expect... I hate that her abilities have so changed... I HATE IT.... I want my daughter to raise her child till she is grown and I want to be a grandma, and hold Kate's Hand when she is worried and to spoil her baby girl, I don't want to fight over what is best for KATE'S DAUGHTER!! I am respecting what Kate Asked... I refused to make KATE"S LIFE MORE STRESSFUL.. I know that she can't always take care of her baby and she will need a STRONG PERSON... I just am afraid I am not that person... and I know that she struggles with it so much.. she tells me one thing and than baby's daddy something else... and since his family has decided  that they will take the baby when Kate is unable to care for her, it can makes things very stressful... Kate dose not see or feel this.. she is blissful unaware..She has asked for help to find a guardian for her child that will ensure both sides get to be part of child's life. She was said she unsure of how the baby father would react to this news.. She also has felt that her wishes for Neveah have not been respected.... Now I don't know how much she has expressed her wishes.. so that many be the issue there..I have a feeling that many tears will fall on both sides before this is all done.
So I ask our Lord to Guide us and led us to be strong for Kate and for HER CHILD.. They need to be loved and cherished.. they need to be supported and not do the supporting.. Kate is strong, and she will strong for her daughter which won't leave any time left of others.. This is what being a mom is all about....
I ask God to help our families come together for Kate and Nevaeh.. I ask our Lord to guide us, in his ways. I ask this all in His Name and for his Glory Amen
 My time this am with the bible as led me to Matt 5.. so hard to read and comprehend when I have sadness and anger in my heart.. I give God the glory to lead me to this chapter.. For I now see what he has put before me.. I find peace in what must be done.. I can only offer my apologies for my thoughts and feelings.. can i do this?? If I am truly a christian I can and will. Lord be with me as I gather strength to do this 

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